Sunday
Aug152010
Ten Weeks, Four Days
Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 7:54AM
Sailor,
Today you turn 10 weeks and 4 days old. Why a letter now? Why not a two month letter? On August 2nd, I thought about it. And I thought, well, I don’t want to overdo it. A letter a month is a little ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, she knows I love her. We don’t need to over indulge here.
Two nights ago my brain went a little crazy. All of a sudden, shortly before your last feeding for the night, my left ear went out. I could hear out of it, but not well. It’s happened before, but it usually bounces right back. Five minutes in to feeding you and about 90 minutes in to my weird ear thing, it started to freak me out. Looking at you, my brain started down a twisted path. What if whatever was happening to my ear was related to this other thing that happens to my jaw and what if it’s all caused by a brain tumor? What if something happens to me and I’m not around to see my daughter grow up? What if something happened early in your life where your only memories of me were through photos, videos, stories other people told you and…
…letters.
That was it. It was decided then and there. You are going to get TONS of letters from me. You are the lightness in my heart and although everything should go as things should go, life is unexpected.
It was in that same moment that I understood your father when he says he couldn’t bear the idea of not being around to see you grow up. My thought about going early was always what would happen to YOU without a MOM? I hadn’t really thought about not being able to see you experience life.
So, today you turn 10 weeks and 4 days old. Currently, you are napping in your crib. On your tummy. I know I’m not supposed to do that, but you sleep so much better and your doctor told me we should lay you on the left side of your head during naps to help the mild flathead case you’re sporting on your right side. (Sorry about that.)
In the weeks since you turned one month you have begun smiling like crazy, hitting objects, and sucking on your fingers like they were the only thing that could provide nourishment. And it’s so loud! Last Saturday you grabbed an object for the first time – the rings on Buzz the Bug that Papa has hanging over your Pack n’ Play at their house. You’re still not an expert grabber, but grabbing is not out of your grasp. (ha) Oh! And you went in the pool for the first time two days ago! Fittingly, it was in Nanny’s pop-up pool. You didn’t seem to mind it. You’ve also begun enjoying being lifted high over our heads. No longer does the space between you and the ground and you and your holder scare you, no, you giggle and SMILE! Boy, do you smile.
You have rocked your father’s and my world in the craziest ways – opening our hearts to a love we never knew, aiding in making us sleepier than we’ve ever been, and planting a garden of worry in our heads. I have never worried more about losing something. If I ever lost you, I would crumble to the ground in a pile of rubble. And, like the 5,000 piece, two-sided puzzle of a blue whale under the sea that I once worked on with my Pop Pop, I don’t know if putting it back together would be a task I could take on with success.
And, every time those worries pop up, I try to put them out of my mind. Because, in this moment, I DO have you. You’re teaching me to be more in the moment and to enjoy it – even when you’re tired, cranky and crying. Each moment with you is special. It has its own life, its own energy. Each moment lives, some more briefly than others, and then ends to give birth to a new moment. No matter what each one brings, they are moments that we will never get back again.
So, my dear, beautiful, observant Sailor Bear, please know that I show up in those moments with you as your mom and as someone who loves you with all her heart. I show up as present as I can be in each given moment knowing that you can ONLY show up fully present because you know nothing else. It’s a beautiful, magical, awe-filled place to be.
Happy 10 weeks and 4 days. Mommy loves you.
Today you turn 10 weeks and 4 days old. Why a letter now? Why not a two month letter? On August 2nd, I thought about it. And I thought, well, I don’t want to overdo it. A letter a month is a little ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, she knows I love her. We don’t need to over indulge here.
Two nights ago my brain went a little crazy. All of a sudden, shortly before your last feeding for the night, my left ear went out. I could hear out of it, but not well. It’s happened before, but it usually bounces right back. Five minutes in to feeding you and about 90 minutes in to my weird ear thing, it started to freak me out. Looking at you, my brain started down a twisted path. What if whatever was happening to my ear was related to this other thing that happens to my jaw and what if it’s all caused by a brain tumor? What if something happens to me and I’m not around to see my daughter grow up? What if something happened early in your life where your only memories of me were through photos, videos, stories other people told you and…
…letters.
That was it. It was decided then and there. You are going to get TONS of letters from me. You are the lightness in my heart and although everything should go as things should go, life is unexpected.
It was in that same moment that I understood your father when he says he couldn’t bear the idea of not being around to see you grow up. My thought about going early was always what would happen to YOU without a MOM? I hadn’t really thought about not being able to see you experience life.
So, today you turn 10 weeks and 4 days old. Currently, you are napping in your crib. On your tummy. I know I’m not supposed to do that, but you sleep so much better and your doctor told me we should lay you on the left side of your head during naps to help the mild flathead case you’re sporting on your right side. (Sorry about that.)
In the weeks since you turned one month you have begun smiling like crazy, hitting objects, and sucking on your fingers like they were the only thing that could provide nourishment. And it’s so loud! Last Saturday you grabbed an object for the first time – the rings on Buzz the Bug that Papa has hanging over your Pack n’ Play at their house. You’re still not an expert grabber, but grabbing is not out of your grasp. (ha) Oh! And you went in the pool for the first time two days ago! Fittingly, it was in Nanny’s pop-up pool. You didn’t seem to mind it. You’ve also begun enjoying being lifted high over our heads. No longer does the space between you and the ground and you and your holder scare you, no, you giggle and SMILE! Boy, do you smile.
You have rocked your father’s and my world in the craziest ways – opening our hearts to a love we never knew, aiding in making us sleepier than we’ve ever been, and planting a garden of worry in our heads. I have never worried more about losing something. If I ever lost you, I would crumble to the ground in a pile of rubble. And, like the 5,000 piece, two-sided puzzle of a blue whale under the sea that I once worked on with my Pop Pop, I don’t know if putting it back together would be a task I could take on with success.
And, every time those worries pop up, I try to put them out of my mind. Because, in this moment, I DO have you. You’re teaching me to be more in the moment and to enjoy it – even when you’re tired, cranky and crying. Each moment with you is special. It has its own life, its own energy. Each moment lives, some more briefly than others, and then ends to give birth to a new moment. No matter what each one brings, they are moments that we will never get back again.
So, my dear, beautiful, observant Sailor Bear, please know that I show up in those moments with you as your mom and as someone who loves you with all her heart. I show up as present as I can be in each given moment knowing that you can ONLY show up fully present because you know nothing else. It’s a beautiful, magical, awe-filled place to be.
Happy 10 weeks and 4 days. Mommy loves you.
Copyright; 2011, Blahggy. All rights reserved.
Reader Comments (2)
Wow, that paragraph where you explained your train of thought on why you are writing so many letters? I followed it perfectly and will probably (definitely) be thinking the same exact thing in about a month. I like the way you think.
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