Saturday
Aug212010
Hello, Ground Control?
Saturday, August 21, 2010 at 6:54AM
“Anxiety” is the word I would use to describe the past few days. In varying degrees.
And for a number of reasons.
Ever since I read Candice’s post (from Bookish Penguin) about a segment she sat in on at BlogHer 10 about women blogging through personal strife, I have been a worrying mess. Even more so than what comes with the territory of having a child. She talked about Loralee Choate from Loralee Looney Tunes who had a son who died in 2003 at the age of 3 months – THREE MONTHS – of SIDS.
Sailor turns three months in 11 days.
I can barely handle it. My brain, again, has jumped on the crazy train. At times, the crazy train slows down enough for someone to run along side while trying to hand me water, and at other times it’s going so fast I might start charging for 30-minute trips to the moon.
Yesterday wasn’t so good. For a number of reasons.
A friend of mine and her 6-month old daughter decided to make a trip to an outlet mall (woo hoo!) that’s an hour away from here that I never knew existed. They have a Gymboree, The Children’s Store, Baby Gap AND Carters – among other, less important and less exciting stores for adults. It was to be at least a half-day outing, if not longer. I will pretty much only do long outings with this particular friend because she is the most amazing mom to see in action while traveling. Her husband is on the road a lot and she has been hauling her daughter around the county since she was 7 weeks. This lady is NOT AFRAID of airline passengers who hate kids, of being on a bus for days at a time with several 20-something fame-ish charged boys, NOR of changing poop diapers on the floor of a shoe store. And she does it all looking so unbelievably stylish. (Kate, for the record – and if this paragraph didn’t make it clear - I think you rock.)
But, that’s not my point. We were chatting on our way to shopping wonderment and she told me how, right around three months, she started to get pretty paranoid about SIDS. Well, about ANYTHING happening to her daughter, really. And, I’m in the same spot. It’s crazy. Here’s kind of how my crazy train goes:
Every time I check on her when she’s sleeping, as I’m walking to her room, I wonder, what if she’s dead? What if I go in there and she’s not breathing? What if she’s just lying there, lifeless? Part of me would die forever. What would my parents do? How would my husband be? And, somewhere in the back of my mind, I think of the horribly depressing and sad turn my blog would take! (Like this is much better.)
When we’re doing her last feeding of the night, I wonder, what if this is my last feeding EVER with her? What if this is it? This bottle, her eyes looking around the room, her sweet complexion made sweeter by her pink pajamas, her eyebrows popping up and down like her mama’s – what if this is my last memory of her?
Oh, God, and it’s AWFUL! It’s JUST. SO. GODDAMN AWFUL. And I can’t be alone in this, right? This love so sharp and all-consuming that the slightest sliver of a THOUGHT of the loss of its source can deliver a momentary fatal blow?
And then – and this now seems so trivial compared to the above worries – two days ago I went from being a dark brunette for 30 years to being blonde. No real reason. Something I thought would be fun to try some day. I’ll go into it more in another post – one that will have pics! No pictures yet, as we’re not done with the whole process.
Anyway, being that we’re not totally done, it’s not yet the color I wanted. That and, obviously, stripping the hell out of my hair has left it, well, less soft than it used to be.
So, yesterday was shopping all day and then we took Sailor to dinner with my parents (our first out to dinner experience with her) and, although she was overall great, it’s still stressful. Then I got home and starting thinking, what did I do to my hair? Did I strip it of all its glory? Should I have just left well enough alone? Did it just need adjustments? Is it my dark eyebrows that make it look kind of like a wig? Or just the fact that I’m not at all used to it?
And I wanted to cry. And I wanted sleep.
And then I started to realize that, hey, I haven’t been focusing on keeping myself GROUNDED. At all. I’ve been taking care of baby, of my house, of my husband, trying to feel better about my post-baby body by bleaching my hair, but I haven’t really connected to WHO I AM lately. All things spiritual have gone out the window.
Once I realized that I instantly felt better. Not let’s-go-dancing better, but…better.
Checking in with ground control. Need to keep that on my daily to-do list for the crazy train is in no way a good time.
Who knew this was part of bringing a life into the world.
And for a number of reasons.
Ever since I read Candice’s post (from Bookish Penguin) about a segment she sat in on at BlogHer 10 about women blogging through personal strife, I have been a worrying mess. Even more so than what comes with the territory of having a child. She talked about Loralee Choate from Loralee Looney Tunes who had a son who died in 2003 at the age of 3 months – THREE MONTHS – of SIDS.
Sailor turns three months in 11 days.
I can barely handle it. My brain, again, has jumped on the crazy train. At times, the crazy train slows down enough for someone to run along side while trying to hand me water, and at other times it’s going so fast I might start charging for 30-minute trips to the moon.
Yesterday wasn’t so good. For a number of reasons.
A friend of mine and her 6-month old daughter decided to make a trip to an outlet mall (woo hoo!) that’s an hour away from here that I never knew existed. They have a Gymboree, The Children’s Store, Baby Gap AND Carters – among other, less important and less exciting stores for adults. It was to be at least a half-day outing, if not longer. I will pretty much only do long outings with this particular friend because she is the most amazing mom to see in action while traveling. Her husband is on the road a lot and she has been hauling her daughter around the county since she was 7 weeks. This lady is NOT AFRAID of airline passengers who hate kids, of being on a bus for days at a time with several 20-something fame-ish charged boys, NOR of changing poop diapers on the floor of a shoe store. And she does it all looking so unbelievably stylish. (Kate, for the record – and if this paragraph didn’t make it clear - I think you rock.)
But, that’s not my point. We were chatting on our way to shopping wonderment and she told me how, right around three months, she started to get pretty paranoid about SIDS. Well, about ANYTHING happening to her daughter, really. And, I’m in the same spot. It’s crazy. Here’s kind of how my crazy train goes:
Every time I check on her when she’s sleeping, as I’m walking to her room, I wonder, what if she’s dead? What if I go in there and she’s not breathing? What if she’s just lying there, lifeless? Part of me would die forever. What would my parents do? How would my husband be? And, somewhere in the back of my mind, I think of the horribly depressing and sad turn my blog would take! (Like this is much better.)
When we’re doing her last feeding of the night, I wonder, what if this is my last feeding EVER with her? What if this is it? This bottle, her eyes looking around the room, her sweet complexion made sweeter by her pink pajamas, her eyebrows popping up and down like her mama’s – what if this is my last memory of her?
Oh, God, and it’s AWFUL! It’s JUST. SO. GODDAMN AWFUL. And I can’t be alone in this, right? This love so sharp and all-consuming that the slightest sliver of a THOUGHT of the loss of its source can deliver a momentary fatal blow?
And then – and this now seems so trivial compared to the above worries – two days ago I went from being a dark brunette for 30 years to being blonde. No real reason. Something I thought would be fun to try some day. I’ll go into it more in another post – one that will have pics! No pictures yet, as we’re not done with the whole process.
Anyway, being that we’re not totally done, it’s not yet the color I wanted. That and, obviously, stripping the hell out of my hair has left it, well, less soft than it used to be.
So, yesterday was shopping all day and then we took Sailor to dinner with my parents (our first out to dinner experience with her) and, although she was overall great, it’s still stressful. Then I got home and starting thinking, what did I do to my hair? Did I strip it of all its glory? Should I have just left well enough alone? Did it just need adjustments? Is it my dark eyebrows that make it look kind of like a wig? Or just the fact that I’m not at all used to it?
And I wanted to cry. And I wanted sleep.
And then I started to realize that, hey, I haven’t been focusing on keeping myself GROUNDED. At all. I’ve been taking care of baby, of my house, of my husband, trying to feel better about my post-baby body by bleaching my hair, but I haven’t really connected to WHO I AM lately. All things spiritual have gone out the window.
Once I realized that I instantly felt better. Not let’s-go-dancing better, but…better.
Checking in with ground control. Need to keep that on my daily to-do list for the crazy train is in no way a good time.
Who knew this was part of bringing a life into the world.
Copyright; 2011, Blahggy. All rights reserved.
Reader Comments (34)
My son is 5 months and I completely know where you are coming from. It's hard to remember who you are when your life suddenly revolves around someone else.
Also, to help the OHMYGODSIDS panic, I highly suggest the Angelcare Monitor. It's expensive but worth every single penny. It would help me sleep through the night...if of course my son would help me sleep through the night. :-)
I hate to say it, but I chuckled a bit at the middle of this post - but only because I soooo so so so identify with your thoughts that I felt relieved at not being alone in them. I wonder the same things: "What if I wake up and he's dead?" He still sleeps next to our bed and sometimes I get the urge to check on him randomly in the middle of the night - but then I go, "Eh, I'm so tired and comfy in the blanket and if I sit up, then I'll need a few minutes to fall asleep and I'll get chilly in the air conditioning... but omg, what if something is wrong and I wake up in the morning and he's dead and I'LL NEVER KNOW if that's the reason I woke up wanting to check on him."
Seriously? I honestly have times where I feel like I've lost my mind. I cried every day for a week after attending that panel. I made the mistake of reading all of Loralee's posts about her son's death, which made me sob hysterically.
But, again, I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this. I'm sorry I helped bring this on for you, but I also came to the same realization through it: I haven't been focused on me since Nate was born and I've been feeling unbalanced. We have to take care of ourselves.
Eventually Nate is going to have to sleep in his crib and I'm going to have to be ready for that - which right now, I'm so not.
(Btw, your friend Kate reminds me of my sister. They're simply amazing to watch in action, right? It's like she gives me something to strive for.)
I was pretty stupid in the beginning to ever think i would stop worrying as much when the pregnancy was over and my baby would be in my arms, derr, I know realise the worrying will never ever stop, until the day WE die. Oh crap
I'm SO going to be the parent who checks breathing obsessively. As it is, I'm already worrying because the mattress that came with her moses basket is more of a cushion, and they say that babies should be on firm surfaces to reduce the chance of SIDS and I'm like "OMG I'M GOING TO KILL MY BABBY WITH THIS SOFT CUSHION."
Well, like some sort of fucking idiot, I went and read the story about the baby dying form SID's. ...there are no words. My heart physically hurts.
Hahaha. Not laughing at you reading the SIDS story, laughing at "some sort of fucking idiot." It's totally true. I SKIMMED the first part of the story - I really wanted to know if the baby was sleeping on his tummy! - but it's calling me to go back and read the whole thing.
It's such a weird dichotomy because with some things you'll be more lax than you thought you would be because you start to get to know your baby and get comfortable with your baby and then other things you're like, "HOLY GOD, WHAT IF?..."
So true. I just read a post by ThetaMom (thetamom.com) and she talks about how her worries haven't gone away, they've just changed. Oy.
Angelcare Monitor? Is that one of the video ones? (Do you have a blog? I see your email, but not a link to a website. If I have VISITED your blog and now seem like a dumbass, I am so sorry. I'm sleepy.)
The Angelcare monitor is a little pad they sleep on that alerts you if there is no movement - as in no breathing. My friend has one and loves it.
I want to send you a virtual hug! My baby just turned 3 months a few days ago. With my first, I was totally where you are. It got a lot worse. A LOT. I let the anxiety creep out of control until I was literally a prisoner in my home - I could not leave my porch. It turned out to be a thyroid imbalance. I have blogged about my story (PPMD) on my blog if you want the details.
This time around, as soon as I noticed those intense thoughts coming back, I headed to the doctor. There is a level of healthy concern and worry. There's a point where it crosses the line and causes panic and isn't healthy.
I just want to encourage you to monitor how intense the anxiety and panic are. If it's pretty great, maybe it's a simple hormonal imbalance. Maybe there's another cause. Take care of yourself so you can be the best mom for your baby!
Bloggy *HUGS* to you! When your baby gets older, (and of course she'll get older! No worries!!) you're going to look back on this time and laugh. Really! I don't have any kids, but when hubby and I have discussed it, we have agreed that the baby would have to have their bed right near us all the time just in case. That's right. The poor baby would have TWO paranoid parents! :p
I was the babysitter/nanny who did that obsessively...I wish I had some more advice...just hugs :)
When my puppy was small I used to check HIS breathing, so this can only be worse!
Thanks for the hugs! I would have totally hired you to babysit!
Oh, it is. But it's worth it. One of my readers suggested the Angelcare Monitor where a movement sensor goes under the baby's mattress and if there is no movement for 20 seconds an alarm goes off. It's not cheap, but all the reviews say it has been AMAZING for peace of mind and sleep!
Oh, no, there are two paranoid parents here because I have MADE my husband paranoid. :) And thanks for saying she'll get older, no worries! It's always nice to hear and remind myself to get in THAT frame of mind!
Yep, I was a wreck for about ten months. And it's only very recently (she's 13mo now) that I haven't really felt anxious. I'm told the anxiety *never* really goes away. (Awesome. =P )
I am not a mommy yet, but I can imagine how loving, protective and neurotic I might feel. (or can I?)
I do know what it is like to go from dark brunette to blond--did that. Tons of fun. My Hubs has forbidden me from ever doing it again. lol.
Stopping by from SITS.
I was totally wondering about the tummy thing too, from what I gather, the kid was in a swing in that particular story. But I am not sure because she was not home when it happened. Be warned, there are pictures of funeral, an open casket funeral. Not good for new mothers.
Yeah, he was in a swing. Which makes me only slightly less paranoid about putting Sailor to sleep on her tummy, but not paranoid enough to not do it. I got as far as the photo of the funeral program with his photo on the cover. Thank GOD I didn't see the open casket. I don't think I'll go back and look. My husband refused to look at ANY of it.
I remember when my son was a baby and I would go into his room during the night and hold my hand over his back to make sure he was breathing. I didn't have all the thoughts you do, but it was something I feared. And as he grows, I feel the same way. So scared. Will anything happen to my baby. The love of my life? All I can do is pray!
I want to tell you that after 3 kids it is something I think many of us have in different degrees. I was like you constantly paranoid. So much so that every statistic telling me how to reduce SIDS I did/do. I even got the monitor with the sensor (for SIDS) for #3. I think the minute we get pregnant a swtitch goes on and panic begins never to leave again. My oldest is 6 and I still check on all 3 of them every night. I think I'll do that until they go to college and then they better call everyday. LOL!
Damn it, Liza. It's bad enough you sucked me into your blog (which continues to lower my sperm count, by the by), but now I've been sucked into all your followers blogs too. Christ. Some body call Dr. Drew. This is worse than the time that Oprah convinced to worry about the safety of the kids I didn't have.
I believe that parenthood is a long series of moments of worry, heartbreak, overwhelming love, and pride. I think we all go through times when we worry. Sometimes, it seems like I would pass over worries (like SIDS) without a thought, but then latch on to one other weird thing to worry about. I think it comes in waves, that it will get better.