Do You Have Bluetooth?

I'm back.  Ok, yay.  Holy hell it's been a freakin' month.  People, this month has been one of the craziest ever.  And I have a feeling it might get worse.  But let's not talk about that nor about my 1/12 of a year break.  Let's talk about the nuttiness.  No, not the fact that CASEY of all people is a RING LEADER on The Bachelor Pad.  The nuttiness that was yours truly last night.

As some of you know, I participate in a part of Momversation called New Momversation.  Last night we were scheduled to shoot a new episode, which means I had to have my camera charged and my headset or bluetooth ready to go.  Well, I just switched to a new phone all of two days ago and I figured my bluetooth wouldn't be an issue because it wasn't with the old one!  Guess who figured wrong?!

Thirty minutes before the call I whip out my bluetooth (after breathing a sigh of relief when I found it earlier in the day amid the myriad of boxes strewn around our new house) and set to pair it up.  I follow my phone's directions, but all it finds when I hit "Search for Devices" are my computer and my printer.  Neat, but I can't exactly carry on a conversation with other PEOPLE using those things.  So I grab my landline (no, I can't believe I have a landline, either) and I call up everyone's favorite: tech support.

I stay on the phone with them until 7:04pm - the call is scheduled at 7:00pm - at which point I tell them thank you for trying (wow, you are useless) and hang up.  I call in; everyone else is already on the call.  I frantically announce myself and launch into my bluetooth issues, apologizing every step of the way, ready to wash these people's FEET if they were in the room because I feel so bad.  We briefly discuss using speakerphone or me hiding the fact that I'm holding a cell with my long, luscious hair.  No dice.  The lady who runs the whole thing says for all of us to call back in 5.  We do and her tech guy is now on the phone asking me if I have a landline with a headphone jack.  (Not that I hadn't already thought of this.)

Yes, I have a landline.  No it does not have a phone jack.  Yes, SERIOUSLY.  NO HEADPHONE JACK.  I have to promise these people I am not a lameo who is STARING THE JACK IN THE FACE THINKING, "WOW, WHAT A WEIRD PLACE FOR A HOLE."

I am already massivlely wasting people's time.  Yes, we all love to do Momversation, but everyone has kiddos and families and things to do and we are now 15 minutes past go time.  And this is when I get my most brilliant idea in the history of brilliant ideas: I WILL RUN OUTSIDE AND KNOCK ON MY NEW NEIGHBORS' (yes, plural) DOORS TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAS EITHER BLUETOOTH OR A CELL WITH A HEADSET THAT I CAN BORROW.

And this is what I do.  I tell everyone on the call I'm going to ask my neighbors and that I'll call back in in a few.  First, I run to my next-door neighbors who seem just fine, but stay to themselves a bit.  I ring their doorbell, their dog comes slamming into the door, the mom and her daughter following close behind.  I'm immediately asked to come in so their fast-growing and spastic puppy won't run outside and have an apapletic fit because she can't even handle herself.  The dog jumps all over me, all over the mom and all over the daughter, INJURING the daughter and all the while I'm going on about, "So, I'm part of this online women's network (trying desperately to phrase it in a way that least open to creepy interpretation), and we do this thing where we have to be on the phone and film ourselves (I'm sure that sounded clean) and they can't see that we're on the phone and my bluetooth won't pair to my phone and the call started 20 minutes ago do you have bluetooth or a cell phone with a headset that I can borrow for thirty minutes you know I have a really good dog trainer if you want."  Yes, I say that last line as the wife is being punched in the face by her dog while she tries to yell upstairs to her husband if he has bluetooth I can borrow.

He yells NO, to which she responds, "What about the one I got you?!"  And I'm like, ah, shit, I just started a domestic argument. GREAT.  He says it's not charged.  Then she tells me they can't afford a dog trainer, and I blab on about the fact that he's cheap and even has online courses and she's all, "No, we have three kids to take care of, " and I'm like, "You might not have all three for long with that dog the way she is."  I don't have time to go on any more so I thank them for dealing with my strange request and tell them I'll just pass along the stuff I learn about the dog. 

OK, next house.

I probably would have gone to this house first because I've already connected with the family and their 13 year-old might babysit, but the first family felt more like they were people who might OWN bluetooth, you know?  So, I ring the doorbell twice - the super-friendly always-smiling dad answers the door apologizing that he didn't answer initially - he thought it was one of his kids.  I go into my spiel about my "women's online network" wondering how religious these people are, only to find out he DOES have a headset, but it's at work.  Sorry.  I say no problem, sorry I just put myself into the "crazy neighbor" category.  Yup, I say that.

I run back home and jump back into the conference call announcing my lack of success.  They decide to film without me and they'll have me do an individual shoot and plug me in later.  I apologize (lots of apologizing last night) and hang up feeling unprofessional, useless and crazy.

Turns out they had major tech difficulties on the call so they couldn't do it anyway.  Wouldn't it have been nice to have found that out BEFORE running around the neighborhood in my red stretchy pajama pants and my super nice top wearing fancy makeup?  (We only shoot from the chest up.)

Good times.